365 steps to self confidence pdf free download

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Tel: Fax: [email protected] www. All rights reserved. No part of this work may be reproduced or stored in an information retrieval system other than for purposes of review without the express permission of the publisher in writing. A catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library.

Produced for How To Books by Deer Park Productions, Tavistock Typeset and design by Pantek Arts Ltd, Maidstone NOTE: The material contained in this book is set out in good faith for general guidance and no liability can be accepted for loss or expense incurred as a result of relying in particular circumstances on statements made in this book.

Laws and regulations are complex and liable to change, and readers should check the current position with the relevant authorities before making personal arrangements. Dedication This book is dedicated to my wonderful children, Dieter, Nikki, Dan and Joel, to whom I wish all the health, happiness and success in the world.

Acknowledgements With grateful thanks to my dear friend, the late Janet Chiesa, for her numerous suggestions and comments. A Personal Note Most of the people I meet in my work perceive themselves as not capable of much.

I know how they feel. As a young man I felt the same, and it nearly destroyed me before I acquired the confidence to become a teacher, therapist and organiser of personal develop- ment and complementary therapy courses. Certainly some politicians and educationalists are beginning to pay lip service to it, and hopefully times are changing. Nor in a year business career were any train- ing resources devoted to it. No one seemed to recogniseits importance.

Perhaps everyone assumed that nothing could be done, or vaguely hoped that confidence would develop as a by-product of other activities. What advantage is it to send a young person out into the world with a head full of knowledge but without the confidence to use it effectively?

I like to think the time will come when every child � whatever their background � will grow up having been taught to believe in themselves and have faith in their ability as a major part of their education.

How many lives would be enriched? He makes his failure certain by being the first to be con- vinced of it. It influences your success at work, your family life, relationships and leisure activities.

It affects your performance in everything you do. A belief in oneself is without doubt the greatest asset of all. People who lack confidence and self-belief always underachieve. Low self-esteem is the fundamental cause of most family break- ups, poor parenting and relationship problems.

In addition, much crime is associated with drug abuse, unemployment, poverty and aimlessness, all of which are related to low self-esteem. Does lack of confidence hold youback?

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It influences your success at work, your family life, relationships and leisure activities. It affects your performance Cin everything you do. People who lack confidence and self-belief always underachieve. Low self-esteem is the fundamental cause of most family break-ups, poor parenting and relationship problems. In addition, much crime is associated with drug abuse, unemployment, poverty and aimlessness, all of which are related to low self-esteem.

Does lack of confidence hold you back? It takes you deep inside your mind and gives you tools and techniques which have worked for millions of people around the world.

All you have to do is to work through and apply its lessons. Time and energy devoted to building your confidence and self-esteem are nothing less than investments in your whole life. I know how they feel. As a young man I felt the same, and it nearly destroyed me before I acquired the confidence to become a teacher, therapist and organiser of personal development and complementary therapy courses.

Certainly some politicians and educationalists are beginning to pay lip service to it, and hopefully times are changing. Nor in a year business career were any training resources devoted to it.

No one seemed to recognise its importance. Perhaps everyone assumed that nothing could be done, or vaguely hoped that confidence would develop as a by-product of other activities. I would like to see courses in confidence and self-esteem made compulsory in all schools and colleges.

All teachers, student teachers and anyone who regularly comes into contact with young people should be fully trained in the subject, including parents and would-be parents. If this were given priority, who knows what could be achieved? How many lives would be enriched?

Our nation could be transformed from the grass roots up within a generation. Each section contains information, insights and words of inspiration, plus seven exercises, practical hints or points to ponder.

Establish a challenging but realistic schedule for completing each step. Set deadlines. Write them in your diary and notebook. Before taking each step, do your homework.

Find out what you need to do, practise the skills and acquire the relevant knowledge. Ninety per cent of the outcome in any activity depends on the quality of the preparation undertaken. Use an affirmation such as: I am confident, enthusiastic and fully capable of Ignore any anxiety or discomfort, and remind yourself that anything your mind can conceive and believe, you can achieve.

Above all, keep your mind on what you want, never lose sight of your goal, and persevere. Keep practising them while you proceed to the next few sections. Meanwhile, we move on to the essential area of self-awareness. Knowing yourself is a cornerstone of all personal growth.

All I ask is that you undertake the exercises with truthfulness and sincerity. To grow in confidence Clarify your intention and set goals. Train yourself to think more confidently.

Imagine yourself as confident. Act as if you are confident. Plus Develop greater self-awareness. Your level of confidence is mainly the result of the way you responded to those who raised you and the environment in which you grew up. But it is not the whole story. Your past experiences and your interpretation of them � nurture � the remainder. Confidence, or lack of it, is learned, mostly in the first few years of childhood. It developed when you were weak and mentally and emotionally vulnerable, then, as you grew up, it became self-reinforcing.

So the better you understand what happened and how it affected you, the more effectively you can take charge of your present-day feelings and actions. Be honest with yourself. You gain nothing by deliberately misleading or deceiving yourself. Knowing yourself is true wisdom. Mastering others is strength. Mastering yourself is true power. No need to write a novel � just a few notes will do fine.

In what way? Your biggest failures? How did they affect you then? How do they affect you now? Do you have any guilty secrets, anything you would not want anyone else to discover about your past? Quickly, without thinking about it too hard, write down the first six things that come to mind.

Acknowledge all your past achievements, however trivial they seem. Let your thoughts wander back to a time when you felt really confident everyone has at least one. Where were you, and with whom? What happened? You already know! For example, some people are extremely confident at work but fail in their relationships; and many brilliant individuals can barely string two words together when away from the security of their offices or laboratories.

How about you? Take a close look at yourself. Step back and observe. The more self-aware you are, the more control you have over your life. Then, and only then, is lasting change possible. Include all self-criticisms and put downs spoken and unspoken , self-defeating and self-sabotaging behaviour, and so on. Write them down as soon as you can. What can you learn from it? Sit or lie comfortably, take a deep breath and close your eyes.

If possible vary these sessions by time of day � morning, midday, afternoon and evening to allow for the fact that moods and feelings fluctuate throughout the day. Immediately after each session write down whatever comes to mind. How capable do you feel of achieving anything you set your mind to?

In which situations do you feel most competent? Least competent? How capable do you feel of being successful in your leisure and sporting activities? Do you ever begrudge others their success? Do you tend to over dramatise or makes mountains out of molehills?

How well do you manage your intimate relationships? Your family life? How comfortable are you in social situations, e. Are you ever accused of being boastful or pretentious? Do you usually prefer to stay in the background? Do you give way easily when someone disagrees with you?

Do you find it difficult to say no when you want to? Do you take decisions based on your own instincts or allow others to push you around? Are you living the way you choose, or doing mainly what others think you should?

If you answered no to question 9, why do you think this is? Do you often feel sorry for yourself? Do you tend to blame yourself when things go wrong, even if circumstances are beyond your control? Do you frequently criticise others? Do you frequently criticise yourself? Do you take good care of your health and fitness? Do you believe you have to achieve great things before you can feel good about yourself? Do you have a tendency to go to pieces when someone criticises you?

Do you go out of your way to seek approval from others? Are you comfortable with the notion of a spiritual dimension to life?

Are you generally happy? If the answer is no, write down what you would have to do or become before you could be proud of who you are. Most of these were run of the mill reprimands to which adults attach little importance; but they affect a child deeply and the accumulated effect can be devastating. The truth is, children simply do not have the ability to distinguish between fair and unfair criticism, or make allowances if the adults in their lives have had a hard day.

When you pleased your parents, or other adult authority figures, they rewarded you: they gave you attention and approval. When you displeased them, they showed their disapproval by withdrawing attention or privileges or, in some cases, punishing you physically. The means by which a person moulds the behaviour of another using a combination of reward and punishment is termed conditioning.

You experienced plenty of it as a child, much of it negative. Very few young people reach adulthood without having their confidence dented in some way.

Once you understand your conditioning you can unravel the knots, dispense with the ropes that tied you down and leave them behind forever. After a time they judge them. Rarely, if ever, do they forgive them. Many highly successful people suffered difficulties as children.

All claimed that, instead of destroying them, it strengthened their determination to succeed. What happened to you in childhood did not determine your level of confidence, but your attitude to it.

Think of a childhood incident which you always believed damaged your selfconfidence. How would taking a different attitude help? It builds character. What parental expressions do you recall from your childhood?

How strong an impression did they make on you? How do you feel when you think about them now? When were they least proud?

How has this affected you? When if they are still living are they most proud of you nowadays? When are they least proud? How does this affect you today? Did they praise you often? Criticise constructively? Were they generous with their time?

Or preoccupied with other things, like enforcing the house rules or pursuing their own interests? Make notes on how this affected you. What did it teach you about yourself? Did it make you feel strong, capable and secure, or a hopeless, worthless sinner?

Born in India, he was sent away to boarding school at the age of 6. It resulted in my trying to slash my wrists in the toilet with a blunt penknife.

The discipline was horrendous. We learned how to attract attention from them, and continued to play these dramas over and over again, usually subconsciously, until they became habitual. Unless we become aware of them and make a conscious effort to change, they stay with us for life.

Redfield suggests that these control dramas come in four types. But only part. Think of the influential adults in your early life.

Note: a If either parent was an intimidator, the chances are the other was either also an intimidator or a poor me. Interrogators can be cynical, arrogant and self-righteous. Were either of your parents an interrogator? Note: Aloofs usually create interrogator children. Were either of your parents an aloof? They wear worried expressions and relate tales of tragedy and personal crisis, often accompanied by deep sighing and sobbing.

They may try the aloof, silent treatment, but make sure that it is noticed. For example, a poor me wife may attract an intimidator husband. Were either of your parents a poor me person? Do you attempt to dominate others? What happened if you disobeyed them? What happens if you disagree with them or ignore their wishes now? Stop matching their dramas. For instance, practise using assertive words and phrases in the presence of intimidators, and politely but firmly let poor me people know you will no longer pander to their selfpitying claptrap.

And if you find yourself indulging in self-pity, stop immediately. Many people are in adult bodies but they still react like children, still attached to their parents, never having broken free from the attitudes and beliefs they acquired in their youth.

The Inner Child can be the source of much adult unhappiness if it is still harbouring anger, pain and guilt from earlier years.

If this is true for you, you can never be truly confident and happy unless these feelings are resolved. Learn to accept your Inner Child as an important and valuable part of you.

Smile and acknowledge it every day. Talk to him or her, tell him you love and will take care of him. Similarly everyone feels like a child at times, innocent and in need of tenderness and care. To what extent do you acknowledge these aspects of yourself? Do you comfort your Inner Child sufficiently when she or he feels lost and lonely, helpless or upset? Imagine her sat on your knee, enjoying a few intimate moments.

Promise to be less hard on this part of yourself in future. Try the empty chair technique. Take two chairs and position them facing each other. Sit on one, and imagine yourself as a small child in the other. Talk to each other. Ask how he feels about the way you treat him. Say how you feel about him. Keep switching chairs, and try to gain a greater understanding of each other.

What changes would you like to make? Make a point of being more playful. Every day do more of those silly things that you enjoyed as a child.

Look for the funny side in every situation. Your Inner Child will experience real enjoyment. Her father abandoned his wife and daughter soon after she was born, and her mother was always busy. She remembered feeling alone and pleading with her mother to play with her, but Mum always shooed her away. She imagined the little girl she once was sat on her knee, being comforted. They chatted to each other; the little girl insisted that she was not boring, just lonely.

She hated the way she was recollected by the adult Celia. She considered it very unfair. As she visualised herself enjoying a warm, lingering cuddle, tears welled up. The following week Celia felt much better about her childhood and herself. Thinking otherwise just keeps you stuck in a victim pattern. Confidence and inner peace will only be yours when you stop blaming and practise forgiveness. Who is there to forgive?

Anyone whom you have ever blamed for how your life has turned out including, of course, your parents or guardians. After all, they had parents too! They were products of their own conditioning. And whether the perpetrators deserve to be forgiven is irrelevant; they may be completely culpable.

You do it for yourself. Forgiveness is not necessarily easy, but is absolutely essential if you are to grow in maturity, selfesteem and confidence. If possible find a photograph of them. Beside each name write down why you included them. As you contemplate each name, look at their photo or make an image of them in your mind.

Then, whatever they did to you, or you imagine they did to you, let it go. From now on I send only love. When you use the Empty Chair technique, remember: 1 It is not a rehearsal for a real life encounter; the other person may even no longer be alive. It is a way of clearing unexpressed feelings that keep you stuck in the past. I, and I alone, am in charge of my life. If you were wrong or made a mistake, stop dwelling on it.

Learn from the experience and move on. He speaks to packed auditoriums all over the world. Yet it was not always so. In his early 30s, he was far from successful, two stones overweight, trapped in an unhappy relationship and, by his own admission, a candidate for an early heart attack. Dr Dyer points to one specific incident as the turning point in his life � an act of forgiveness. When he was a baby his father, a man with a reputation as wifebeater, alcoholic and petty criminal, walked out, never to make contact again.

He died at a relatively young age. Dr Dyer had grown to detest him and frequently had nightmares about beating him up. Suddenly, something came over him. Immediately, everything changed. Within two weeks, he wrote Your Erroneous Zones. He started exercising now 60, he claims to have run at least eight miles every day since , terminated the painful relationship and forged a reputation that is second to none in his field.

Ask him about his past, he shrugs his shoulders. No matter what has gone before, your future, and how you feel about it, will be a direct result of what you do from now on.

It is being shaped right now, moment by moment, as the consequences of your desires, thoughts, dreams, actions and words begin to crystallise. The past only continues to affect you if you allow it. You may not be able to forget what has gone before, but you can stop dwelling on it. Which, if any, of your negative experiences continue to haunt you? If you catch yourself breaking this rule, change the subject. Reframing is a way of changing how you feel about past events that still trouble you: 1.

Relax your body. Still your thoughts. Go back to an event which left its mark on you and get in touch with all the emotions you felt at the time. Now reframe it. Run the scene through in your mind, but visualise a different outcome. With practise your mind will accept this as reality. Start with the least troublesome then, as you become more proficient at using the technique, tackle more serious issues. The reframing technique sends a powerful message to your subconscious to record over old tapes with new, more positive, confidence building interpretations of events.

Use the Four Step Method to veto inappropriate thoughts. I am becoming more and more confident every day. The incident had dogged him for years. When I met him, he was 47 years old. Under hypnosis he recalled the original incident. Tears streamed down his face. Now he smiles at the memory. Take your age. Similarly, you can do little about your gender without going to drastic lengths , your race, height, eye colour etc.

You also have little chance of transforming the way the world works, society in general and other people. If some disliked aspect of yourself is important and can be changed, do something about it.

Your true age is how you feel inside. Are there times or situations when you find it harder to be self-accepting than others? If you wish jot down what stops you giving yourself permission to be as you are. Eliminate any which are merely the result of negative conditioning.

If you judge yourself as not good enough, no amount of achievement will ever satisfy you. But impossible ones destroy your confidence. Why are you so hard on yourself? The only meaningful comparison is between you as you used to be, and you as you are now. No one is better than anyone else, just different. Then life is a sheer joy, a festival of lights. It was a moment that changed her life. She became determined to go to the local secondary school attended by her brothers.

You meet people really handicapped who appear to be the happiest people in the world. That puts life in perspective. Do you like it? Do you wish it were different in some way? Few people conform to the physical norms put across in the media.

They exhibit an above average degree of obsessive behaviours, eating disorders, self-hatred, sexual dysfunctions and many other problems. This is exacerbated by certain social and religious attitudes.

Rumbling tummies, bad breath, bowel movements and breaking wind are part of our biology. Why be ashamed? When we get older our faces become lined, boobs and bellies droop, muscles sag, men lose their hair and so on.

We must learn to accept our bodies with good grace and a touch of humour, to accept some of our so-called defects, and work on those which can be changed. If your confidence is affected by anything that can be improved, do it! Think about what you like. Focus your attention on these parts. Now do it naked. Think about those you can do nothing about � your shoe size, the length of your legs, birth marks, etc. Go through your list and mark those items you are willing to work on with an asterisk.

Consider a new hairstyle, a touch of hair dye, a tattoo, cosmetic surgery, dieting, a fitness regime, hypnotherapy to lose weight or quit smoking, contact lenses etc, all of which can make a huge difference to your self-esteem. Moaning about something is not the same as doing something about it!

No one else wants to hear about it! Do you wear what a confident person would? Try a new image, a change of style. Wear what would make you feel better. Confident people enjoy looking their best and know it does wonders for their confidence and self-esteem. Working on your physical selfimage is the key to sexual fulfilment. Sexual confidence is not about being comfortable with the other person, but about being comfortable with yourself. Be aware of the physical capabilities you do have � can you walk, see, hear, speak?

Why not enhance your uniqueness? One of the other participants, an elderly lady who looked in radiant good health, spoke up.

Health and fitness are just like any other areas of life: get the causes right and the effects come right too. This means, for instance, sensible eating, good breathing and posture, regular exercise and plenty of laughter and relaxation.

Make a firm commitment to do whatever is necessary to improve your health and fitness levels. I take good care of it. I feel better every day. Health and wellbeing fill every cell of my body. Spend a few moments every day creating a mental image of yourself at optimum health and fitness. Once this image permeates the subconscious, it sends healing energy to every cell of your body. Educate your taste buds to appreciate fresh, nutritious, easily digested, cruelty-free foods and keep the poisons chemical additives, artificial sweeteners, etc out of your system.

Compare these proportions with your current eating habits. What changes do you need to make? The equivalent of eight average sized glasses of water a day boosts the metabolic rate burning more calories , eliminates waste cells from the body, improves skin tone and deters a host of minor ailments.

Go easy on the alcohol. Avoid drinking at mealtimes this dilutes the digestive juices , especially tea and coffee which inhibit mineral absorption. Deep breathing supplies much-needed oxygen to the brain and helps eliminate waste products and dead cells. Do some deep breathing every day. Fill your lungs completely, expanding your ribs and stomach outward, and hold for a count of four.

Breathe out through the mouth. Gradually increase the count from four to six, eight, or ten if comfortable. Do ten of these deep breaths at least three times every day. NB: if you start feeling dizzy or faint, stop at once. Take regular exercise. It builds stamina and fitness, increases your resistance to disease and promotes a more youthful appearance.

Choose something you enjoy � walking, cycling, swimming, dancing or whatever. Just 20 minutes aerobic exercise a day is quite sufficient to enable most people to maintain good health. Make small adjustments to your lifestyle. Leave the car at home. Walk or cycle to work. Get off the bus a few stops earlier. Replace the electric lawn mower with a manual. Use the stairs instead of the lift. Spend a few moments daily bending and stretching to loosen the muscles and keep them supple.

Buy an exercise video or audio tape, for example, of simple yoga exercises which are extremely beneficial and are not that time consuming. It only takes a couple of weeks of inactivity to fall back to where you started.

When your body is relaxed, your mind is calmer and clearer, you are more in control of your emotions and better able to relate to others. Physical relaxation and mental calmness help you cope with stressful situations, release unrealistic fears and anxieties, and improve concentration and creativity. To acquire these benefits for yourself, you must practise: 1.

Entering a peaceful, deeply relaxed state so that you can recharge your batteries. Make the most of techniques such as autosuggestion, mental rehearsal, anchoring and reframing see index. Instant calmers. Learn to calm down instantly and stay calm, so that you can deal with awkward people and situations with ease.

Fortunately these skills are easily learned. Most of the early problems you may encounter will disappear if you practise daily, and you will soon be able to relax quickly and easily whenever you have the need. Make it a priority.

Take yourself to a quiet place where you will be undisturbed. Have a good stretch, then sit or lie down comfortably. Take a few deep breaths. Focus your gaze on a spot on the ceiling. When your eyes start to tire, let them close. Now take a very deep breath. Pause for a moment, then take an even deeper breath. Pause and take a third deep breath. Now take a fourth deep breath.

Now take a fifth deep breath. If you feel a little light-headed, or your arms and legs feel slightly heavy, good! Now, while you continue to go deeper into relaxation imagine you are in a quiet, peaceful place, such as a beach or garden, or in a special sanctuary or cosy country cottage. Make yourself comfortable, take a deep breath and close your eyes. Each time you breathe in, tense a group of muscles as hard as you can for five seconds.

Notice the difference between tension and relaxation. Now imagine your body as a rag doll, limp and floppy, your muscles soft and loose, no tension. Slowly count down from ten to one on each out breath. You may also find it helpful to imagine some simple scene, somewhere full of peace and tranquillity, such as a place in the country, a garden, beach or special sanctuary. Each time I relax, I go deeper and deeper. My thinking is peaceful, calm and centred. Attention to your breath helps you to become aware of your body, focuses your concentration and brings your mind back to the present.

Take three very slow, deep breaths. Breathe normally for a few breaths. Then repeat the three slow breaths. Return to your activities feeling relaxed and calm. Take a deep breath and let it out slowly.

An anchor is any stimulus that consistently triggers an emotion. Sportsmen and women use anchors continually. For example, tennis players bounce the ball repeatedly before serving to calm themselves; most runners go through an elaborate routine to centre themselves, much of which is not strictly necessary to the actual performance; and the mighty All Black rugby team go through a series of rituals before each match to intimidate the opposition and fire themselves up. You constantly anchor feelings in the nervous system whether you like it or not, so why not learn to use this to your advantage?

Using anchors you can feel calm and confident, or energised and confident whenever you wish. Bring to mind all the associated sights, sounds, smells and physical sensations as vividly as possible.

I use a clenched fist. Start working on your anchor a few weeks before the event. Get into the relaxed state and recall a time when you felt really calm and confident. Relive it in as much detail as possible. The stronger the feeling, the more successful will be your anchor. Affirm that every time you make this gesture and repeat these words, these same calm, confident feelings will return.

The more practice, the better. Say it with conviction. Allow the confident feelings to flow through you. This is effectively what athletes do when they raise their hands above their heads as they break the winning tape. If they were to do this repeatedly they would find that simply raising their hands above their heads would trigger those winning feelings.

When he died, she found herself with time on her hands, looking for something to get her out of the house. As a young woman she would have liked a career in academia.

She had a passionate interest in Ancient Egypt, but lacked confidence and grew up thinking it was beyond her. She ended up in a mind numbing office job. One day Angela picked up a leaflet about the University of the Third Age U3A , which provided educational and social activities for the over 50s. One of the courses was Creating Confidence. With trepidation she enrolled and diligently applied what she learned.

A few months later, she was elected Chairman. I gained a teaching certificate and am now a qualified adult education tutor.

Now the experts come to us. I was fine. What have you learned about confidence? More importantly, what have you learned about yourself? Take a pen and paper, and give yourself a mark out of ten, where ten means you feel you could achieve anything and zero that you feel useless at everything.

Now give yourself another mark out of ten, where ten means you feel worthy of good things and zero completely undeserving. Now give yourself a mark out of ten for how well you relate to others. Compare these marks with what you gave yourself six months ago Confidence Builders 8, 9 and See what I mean about your confidence and self-esteem having grown?

How many of them are due to your increased confidence? What more needs to change? What are you doing to change them? What more do you need to do? Now put them into practice. Enrol for one of these at the next available opportunity.

How can you increase it? The more time and effort you invest, the more rapid your progress. What benefits have you gained so far? Keep practising. What did you choose? Did you actually do it? What have you done about them?

How far have you come? What were the outcomes? What further use could you make of the technique? How could you do it better next time? How is it going? What have you gained? How much time and thought have you given it? What progress have you made? Keep working on it. Are you sticking at it? If everything you are going to achieve, you have already achieved?

Aimlessness destroys confidence and self-esteem. When you find what you love to do and put your heart and soul into it, everything changes. Life becomes fulfilling and exciting. If your purpose benefits others as well as yourself, everything, yes, everything falls perfectly into place. If your motives are sound, happiness and prosperity simply flow towards you; nothing can stop them.

Something you love doing and can put your heart and soul into? If so, write it down on a small card and keep it with you. Clarifying your values is the starting point of finding your purpose. Values are simply what you believe to be important. What is most important to you in life?

What do you stand for? Where do your priorities lie? How important are, say, your health or family relationships compared with your career, or your social and leisure activities compared with your spiritual life? Where do my priorities lie? What is my purpose for being here? Listen patiently and attentively to your inner self. In what way s? What would you like to change? How can I make better use of them? How would I most like to spend my remaining time? Write yourself a letter explaining why you are not already doing these things.

Think laterally. Write your mission on a small card, pin it to your Wall of Confidence and read it every day. I do this through my writing, teaching, tape programmes, therapy and all my personal contacts. They will drag you down and damage your self-esteem if you let them. Be guided by your inner voice and do what you believe in. Sing, dance and embrace life to the full. George Gershwin, the famous jazz pianist, composer and songwriter, had ambitions as a classical musician, so he approached Maurice Ravel, composer of the famous Bolero, for instruction in orchestral scoring.

After several lessons, Ravel was exasperated. His student appeared unable to grasp even the basics. You accomplish more, often much more.

Even if all you did was write down a goal and file the piece of paper away in a drawer, your life would be different in some way. Why do clear, realistic goals make such a difference? They clarify your purpose.

They stimulate excitement, anticipation, energy and enthusiasm. They help to keep your mind on what you want. Goals impress your desires on the subconscious, heighten your awareness and highlight opportunities you may previously have missed. They prompt you to acquire new knowledge and skills. You first came across goal setting in Section 5.

You came here to make a major contribution to life on this planet. Are they still relevant? Anything to add? What else would you like to achieve? Modify your list if appropriate. Write them down. Exactly how do you want to help them? They become frustrated by the gap between their aspirations and their actual accomplishments. Remember, the more benefits you can identify, the greater the pulling power of your goal. There is only one exception: if your goal is to rid yourself of a bad habit, such as smoking, swearing or losing your temper, tell everyone.

This is particularly effective last thing at night, because it gives the subconscious something to work on while you are sleep. Do it because you enjoy it, learn from it and grow. When President Kennedy challenged America to put a man on the Moon within a decade and return him safely to Earth, learned eyebrows were raised because the technology needed did not exist at the time. However, the decision to set a firm goal spurred the scientific community into action.

All that is required is enthusiasm and persistence, then the essential ingredients somehow show up to make it possible. And just as the new technologies developed for the Moon shot affected other areas of our lives, working towards a worthwhile goal has many unforeseen benefits, not least an enormous growth in confidence. You cannot prevent a thought floating up from the subconscious; this is beyond your conscious control. However, you can always choose whether to accept, reject or ignore a thought whether to voice it or act on it.

Any pattern of thought or action which is repeated often is impressed on the subconscious and becomes a habit. Likewise, when you withdraw your attention from an unwanted thought or habit, it eventually withers and dies.

You constantly refer to your subconscious store of thoughts and memories for information and guidance, which sets up a cycle in which what you repeatedly think about tends to intensify in your experience. The conscious mind is the Thinker; the subconscious is the Prover. Except, of course, you may be misleading yourself. You may actually be far clever than you think you are! When you let go of disempowering, confidencedraining thoughts and start thinking of yourself as strong, capable, likable and deserving, the cycle is reversed.

Can you recall what you told yourself at the time? If this is too big a leap, try: 1 would find it difficult at present, but I can learn. Instead, learn from it and look for a better way for the future.

The Prover is not programmed to challenge the basis of a question; it responds as if it were true. For example. The Prover takes these as instructions to ease off, and could unintentionally sabotage your efforts. Be justly proud of your achievements, then the Prover assumes you want more of the same. Confident self-talk includes any language that helps you feel better and cope more easily. Words and sentences that imply that you are helpless or incapable, or that things are worse than they actually are, feed the Prover with potentially damaging ammunition, which is why the negative thought patterns discussed in this section come with a health warning.

The following thoughts destroy confidence and damage self-esteem. Simple linguistic changes such as those described in this section are often derided as superficial, but can make a huge difference to the way you handle yourself.

You have to deal with things as they are, not how you think they should be. The first refers to you, your achievements and your conduct. You can learn from everything you do; everything has some value for you. What are the alternatives? Most of our beliefs have their origins in childhood conditioning and our cultural background: they were absorbed without any effort on our part.

Others were acquired as we matured and learned to interpret the world for ourselves. Even if their goals seem far off, they believe that everything is eventually attainable. But it is not your actual abilities that determine the outcome, but what you believe about them. Fortunately, no belief is permanently engraved on your brain. All beliefs are learned, and all learning can be re-evaluated and updated.

As soon as you adopt a new belief the Prover sets to work to validate the new belief. Suddenly all the incoming evidence supports your new way of thinking, and anything which contradicts it is rejected or ignored. If I believe I cannot do something, it makes me incapable of doing it. This is a complete misconception, although quite a common one.

This is so important, I must repeat: your genes play a role in deciding whether you are more introverted or extroverted; volatile or placid; and prone to certain conditions such as depression and compulsive behaviours.

But genes do not determine confidence. Confidence or lack of it comes from what you believe about yourself. No causal link has ever been found between genes and confidence. The more your behaviour is consistent with a belief, the more unshakable it becomes. Cross out each disempowering belief and write down its opposite.

I am attractive. I am courageous. Disputing a negative belief means examining its validity. It may be based on incorrect or misleading information, so look for different explanations and meanings. I miss something? Whenever you have an opportunity to put your new beliefs into practice, act as if they are definitely true.

According to the theory of aerodynamics, the bumble bee is totally unable to fly. Laboratory experiments prove this conclusively. Moral: Lack of belief in our abilities and worrying about the outcome are the main impediments to success. The bumble bee, being ignorant of the theory, flies anyway! A belief is a thought or mental image we accept as true.

An attitude is what you put out into the world through your words and actions. In addition, attitudes involve a degree of evaluation, in other words, what you feel about the belief.

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Tel: Fax: [email protected] www. All rights reserved. No part of this work may be reproduced or stored in an information retrieval system other than for purposes of review without the express permission of the publisher in writing. A catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library. Produced for How To Books by Deer Park Productions, Tavistock Typeset and design by Pantek Arts Ltd, Maidstone NOTE: The material contained in this book is set out in good faith for general guidance and no liability can be accepted for loss or expense incurred as a result of relying in particular circumstances on statements made in this book.

Laws and regulations are complex and liable to change, and readers should check the current position with the relevant authorities before making personal arrangements. Page 6 Dedication This book is dedicated to my wonderful children, Dieter, Nikki, Dan and Joel, to whom I wish all the health, happiness and success in the world.

Acknowledgements With grateful thanks to my dear friend, the late Janet Chiesa, for her numerous suggestions and comments. Page 7 A Personal Note Most of the people I meet in my work perceive themselves as not capable of much.

I know how they feel. As a young man I felt the same, and it nearly destroyed me before I acquired the confidence to become a teacher, therapist and organiser of personal develop- ment and complementary therapy courses.

Certainly some politicians and educationalists are beginning to pay lip service to it, and hopefully times are changing.

Nor in a year business career were any train- ing resources devoted to it. No one seemed to recognise its importance. Perhaps everyone assumed that nothing could be done, or vaguely hoped that confidence would develop as a by-product of other activities. What advantage is it to send a young person out into the world with a head full of knowledge but without the confidence to use it effectively?

I like to think the time will come when every child � whatever their background � will grow up having been taught to believe in themselves and have faith in their ability as a major part of their education. How many lives would be enriched? He makes his failure certain by being the first to be con- vinced of it.

It influences your success at work, your family life, relationships and leisure activities. CIt affects your performance in everything you do. A belief in oneself is without doubt the greatest asset of all. People who lack confidence and self-belief always underachieve. Low self-esteem is the fundamental cause of most family break- ups, poor parenting and relationship problems. In addition, much crime is associated with drug abuse, unemployment, poverty and aimlessness, all of which are related to low self-esteem.

Does lack of confidence hold you back? Take an active interest in others: helping others does wonders for your own confidence. Choose peace: becoming aware of your spiritual dimension and enjoying continual peace of mind.

First, develop self-awareness: know yourself, acknowledge that there are aspects of yourself that you wish to change, and understand what has stopped you feeling confident so far.

This includes changing restrictive attitudes and beliefs. Imagine yourself as a confident person. The more you speak and behave confidently, the more confident you will become.

You will be introduced to them in small, practical steps to make it as easy as possible for you. All I ask is that you apply what you learn, stick with it and be patient. Use it for the written exercises in this programme, also to record your experiences and monitor your progress. Date each entry you make. Your notebook will become a good friend, teacher and confidant, so keep it near you, consult it every day and update it regularly.

Commit yourself to spending some time on this programme every day. Just ten minutes a day � reading, learning, thinking, doing etc � adds up to over 60 valuable hours of confidence building activity a year from now. Can you think of a better investment for your future? If you like jot down a few comments in your notebook. What do confident people do that unconfident people do not?

What would you do differently if you were confident? For example, perhaps you would find it easier to speak up for yourself, show your emotions, meet new people, or take on more responsibility at work? Now think of three beliefs you would rather have, beliefs that would empower you and bring confidence.

Cross out the limiting beliefs and write these empowering beliefs in their place. What would you have to do for these new beliefs to come true? Close your eves, take a few deep breaths and relax.

Allow your imagination to flow freely. What would it be like to be perfectly confident? What difference would it make to your life? Let your mind drift for a few minutes, then open your eyes and write down everything that comes to mind. Keep this list: you have it in your power to experience all this one day.

Remember, whatever your mind can conceive and believe, you can achieve. For instance, calm your breath, stand upright, look people in the eye and speak with a clear, unwavering tone: you will immediately feel more confident.

Behind their public personae many well known people, including the most glamorous and esteemed, are desperately shy. A hundred top movie stars were brought together, many of whom wanted to meet Elizabeth Taylor. I pointed out that all those people were here to meet her. Then she asked me to introduce her to Robert de Niro. It was like seeing two stumbling children talking with each other. What is confidence anyway, and how does it relate to self-esteem and self-image?

This is what I mean by confidence. Your assessment of your self-worth and feelings of belonging make up your self-esteem. Your aim is, of course, to make confidence such a natural part of yourself that you not only appear confident on the outside but also feel completely at ease with yourself inside.

Intention and thought have a direct impact on confidence, which is basically a set of beliefs about your talents and capabilities. But they have little effect on self-worth, which is primarily emotional in nature, and as we all know, intention and thought have little influence over the emotions.

This is where imagination and action come in. Your creative imagination has a direct effect on the emotions and, providing they are pursued in the right spirit, so do your actions. And do you feel accepted and respected by others? Give yourself a mark out of ten, where ten means you feel you can achieve anything you desire if you apply yourself , and zero, that you feel totally incapable of anything. Now give yourself a mark for how high you would like your confidence to be.

If you give yourself less than ten, ask yourself why. Reflect on the mark you have given yourself. Give yourself a mark out of ten, where ten means you feel worthy of all the good things life has to offer, and zero, you feel completely worthless and undeserving. Now give yourself a mark for how high you would like it to be. Again, if you give yourself less than ten ask yourself why and reflect on the mark you have given yourself.

Give yourself a mark out of ten for how well you relate to others. Now give yourself a mark for how well you would like to relate to others. Once again, if you give yourself less than ten ask yourself why and reflect on the mark you have given yourself.

At the top on the left write down your first name, or the name by which you are best known which could be a nickname. Underneath, describe how you feel about this name.

Now choose a name by which you would like to be known. Write it at the top of the right-hand column. Who is this person? Fill this side of the page with notes about him or her, who you imagine them to be. Then compare the two columns. What does this tell you? What could you achieve if you had loads of confidence?

One thing is certain � you are capable of far more than you think. And smile at yourself at night before retiring, as this brings sweet dreams and programmes your subconscious mind to feel good about yourself. As I was ushered into the studio the presenter looked up from the console, ran his eyes over me, then stood up and shook my hand.

I have great respect for the work of some of these people, but many of them come across, by their actions if not by their words, as having one main interest in life � making money, and lots of it. This is not what confidence is about. Confident people have no need to show off, or impose themselves on others. If you plant an acorn in moist, fertile soil, it will grow into a mighty oak.

Certainly you have been influenced by past events and circumstances, but they do not tell the whole story. Obviously you cannot change your genes, and you cannot change your biochemistry without resorting to drastic, potentially dangerous measures drugs etc. Because although your genetic inheritance is known to play a role in determining how outgoing you are, whether you are volatile or placid, and your predisposition for certain mental health problems such as stress, depression, addictions and compulsive behaviours , no causal link has ever been found between genes and confidence.

It began to take shape when you were weak and vulnerable, after which it became self-reinforcing. And anything which has been learned can be reappraised and replaced with new, superior learning. In what way did they affect you?

Now, without making any judgements, consider how your attitudes and beliefs, fantasies, communication style and actions have created your life. Write down anything that seems relevant. In other words, do you enjoy your own company and easily get drawn into your own inner world? Or do you get most of your energy and inspiration from the company of others? Being quietly confident is just as rewarding. I know many who enjoy discussing the reasons for their lack of confidence, but do nothing about it.

I will do whatever is required to become more confident. Say them as if you really mean it. I know I can do it, and I will. Close your eyes, take a few deep breaths and allow your imagination to flow freely.

Imagine that you have loads of confidence and are actually doing whatever it is that makes you nervous. After a few minutes, open your eyes.

Write down anything that comes to mind in your notebook. How do you feel? He stopped feeling sorry for himself and became determined to sort himself out.

He thought of the novel he had started several years earlier and never completed, and affirmed his intention to finish it and get it published. His imagination wandered to his dream of becoming a novelist. How wonderful it would be to be a famous author! Then he took action. He enrolled at a local college to study English, and the following year won a place on an advertising course after submitting the first two chapters of his novel. Then he spent the last of his savings on the train fare to London to take up a work experience placement at a top advertising agency, and despite sleeping rough at this time, was taken on by them on a permanent basis.

Simultaneously he wrote a minimum of 1, words a day until his novel was finished. Only one person can build your confidence � guess who? It will only happen if you make a firm commitment, set goals, plan a strategy and take action.

All of this means accepting full responsibility for yourself � deciding to be confident and refusing to allow anyone to deflect you from your chosen course. Assume that everything that happens from now on is your own doing. Think and behave accordingly. What are they afraid of? Does any of this apply to you? Write down what you were afraid of.

What does it tell you about yourself? What have you learned? If you prefer, put up a noticeboard. Whenever you come across an inspiring or a constructive idea, pin it up. Start by posting these affirmations on your Wall of Confidence. Write them out in large script, in the form of a poster, and fix it to your Wall of Confidence. Avoiding pain and discomfort � physical and emotional � is understandable, but self-defeating in the longer term. You merely find yourself being confronted by similar difficulties over and over again until you eventually have to face up to them.

And it does nothing for your confidence. I am in charge of my emotions. You have the power to become confident, if you want to, and if you go about it the right way. You can change your way of thinking.

You can use your imagination differently. You can alter your way of speaking. You can let go of destructive habits and change your behaviour. You can do all this now, from this moment on. How do I know? Firstly because I know hundreds of people personally who have become more confident, and I know of thousands more. Secondly, they include the person with whom I spend the most time � myself. In my teens I had no confidence whatsoever. Then, in my mids, I decided to do something about it.

I started reading self-help books and attending courses and seminars. I worked on myself. I have far exceeded my initial expectations.

If I can do it, so can you! Every single step makes a difference, so start right away. Take responsibility. Sow the seeds of confidence and watch them grow. You will have to take a few risks. At times you will feel anxious. How can you motivate yourself to put up with the discomfort and persevere?

Only if these are unsatisfied can there be motivational power. We seek pleasure and are driven by a desire to avoid pain. The strongest motivation comes from a passionate desire for something pleasurable, coupled with the avoidance of pain. The best way to motivate yourself is to set yourself some worthy goals, find plenty of reasons why you want to accomplish them, and keep in mind the consequences of failure � which is what you are about to do.

Goals are so important that I shall assume for the rest of this programme that you have several on the go at all times. More about them in Section Do it flamboyantly. No exceptions. No excuses. A difficult one, this. Imagine you have accomplished the goals you set yourself in confidence Builder Visualise them coming true in every detail. When you open your eyes write down any thoughts that come into your head.

No exceptions, no excuses! There are dozens of excellent self-help books, chock full of information and ideas. Make your choice, and spend a few moments every day reading useful, inspiring material or listening to tape programmes.

Then one evening, after a heated row, her abusive and manipulative husband of 20 years stormed out in a rage, threatening to throw himself over a cliff. He expected her to beg him to return, as she had always done before. But unbeknown to him she had been quietly working on her confidence and this time she refused. At first he threatened, then he pleaded, but she held firm. This was the beginning of a new phase in her life.

Six months later, no longer facing the daily outbursts which she had previously endured, her home was a haven of calm. She had taken computing lessons, found a well paid job, enrolled for evening art classes, and was performing with a local group of singers. Even her son, no longer having to endure the tension, was happier and more settled at school.

No one gets very far without it. When faced with a decision, you consciousIy or subconsciously weigh up the alternatives and their consequences. If I go ahead, what will be the probable rewards? How much pleasure will it bring? Are there any disadvantages? For example, learning a new skill potentially brings many future benefits, but may involve shortterm sacrifices, especially the time and effort you put in. But as long as you keep in mind the advantages that will come your way, your determination remains strong.

Anything is possible if you have enough reasons to change. It only takes 30 days to lay the foundations for lasting change in your thinking, your behaviour and your life. For example, your friends and family may prefer you passive and compliant.

What reasons are there for remaining in your present comfort zone? Think about your work, your career, your social relationships and family life, leisure pursuits, health, and your mental, emotional and spiritual wellbeing.

Then add the benefits of your increase in confidence to other people. For example, your family could benefit in numerous ways from being associated with a new, more confident you. What will you miss out on? How much effort am I willing to make? Carry it with you and read them aloud every day for the next 30 days. Make them into a small poster and display it on your Wall of Confidence.

The card and poster will reinforce your determination, especially when your quest for confidence takes you into uncharted waters. My confidence must change; I must change it; and l can. As you recite it, smile knowingly to yourself.

It will soon be firmly imprinted on your memory. Married at 18, by the age of 25 she felt trapped in a life of tedious domesticity. Believing she was meant to be doing something in addition to raising a family, she enrolled at university, gaining a B. It was there she began her journey into self-discovery that eventually led to her writing her first million selling self-help book, Feel The Fear And Do It Anyway.

Written in , Feel The Fear� was mocked and rejected by most of the major publishers, who had no experience of this type of book. All that we are arises with our thoughts.

With our thoughts, we make our world. Positive thinkers are the happiest and most successful. Sometimes all it takes to change your life forever is a single thought!

Humans are not robots: you can intentionally choose how to think, and if you are serious about building your confidence you must start changing your thinking patterns without delay. The next few sections explain how.

A killjoy? Do you find it difficult to think positively? Does your conversation often take on an air of doom and gloom?

This awareness is critical to your wellbeing now and in the future, so be totally honest with yourself. Write down at least six differences that being more positive would make to your life. Taking charge of your thinking is, in fact, simply changing what you say to yourself.

Becoming an habitually confident thinker is no more difficult than learning to ride a bicycle. Say it often, with enthusiasm. Display it in big letters on your Wall of Confidence.

Say it whenever a new opportunity comes your way. And � try this and notice the difference it makes � say it with relish when you face a difficult problem or challenge. This is where The Four Step Method � a simple technique for becoming aware of disempowering thoughts � comes in. The four steps are: 1. Be mindful. Stop disempowering thoughts. Replace them with empowering thoughts. Keep going until it becomes automatic. The Four Step Method is quite simply the most effective single technique I know for building self-confidence.

If this programme teaches you nothing else, you will still change your life permanently for the better. Recite it out loud until you know it off by heart. Mindfulness means paying attention to what you are thinking and feeling, and being aware of how you respond to people and events.

When you become more mindful your mind becomes quieter and you see things more clearly. You are less likely to speak and act hastily.

Mindfulness deepens your understanding of yourself and the world around you. It is a vital step towards greater confidence and self-esteem. Now I am picking up my pen. Now I am writing in my notebook. Now I put the pen down. Now I close the book. Now I put the book in the drawer. It will seem strange at first � but do it anyway.

If safe to do so, close your eyes and listen to the incessant chattering of the mind. Then resume your activities. Make a written note of anything significant. The Four Step Method is so easy! Thoughts from the past and worries about the future do not create good conversation.

Instead, learn to talk to your mind as if it were a child. Talk to it with love. A good mother knows how to prompt her child into doing what she wants. Be a good mother to your mind; teach it good, positive thoughts so that when you tell it to sit quietly, it will. It will all go wrong, it always does!

You must learn to tell it to shut up, stop being silly and go away. Then change the thoughts to something positive. This is the second of the Four Steps, Thought Stopping. It can be used in any instant, and has an immediate effect. This way you may not prevent negative thoughts entering your mind, but you can render them powerless. Give them no house room in your consciousness and they will dissolve into what they are � false ideas, false concepts, with nothing to sustain them.

Ask yourself. Where is it taking me? Does it help me feel confident? Interrupt the unwanted thought by saying firmly. Do this silently or aloud out loud is best, if circumstances permit.

As you detach yourself from an unwanted thought, simultaneously stomp your feet, pinch yourself, slap your thigh or bang on a table etc. Be sensible: obviously there are times and places when this is inconvenient, or even dangerous, so use your discretion. When you notice a disempowering thought, have a good snigger to yourself: just laugh at its nonsense.

There goes another one! Close your eyes. Notice how you feel. This works particularly well when you are stressed or anxious. Eileen Mulligan made a fortune in the beauty industry then a back injury left her disabled and bedridden just as a serious dispute broke out which threatened to cripple her business. So I concentrated on this. And I did it. Eileen quit the business rather than continue the battle, and became a personal development coach.

She has been so successful that her book, Life Coaching is a bestseller and her clients include a number of well-known politicians and celebrities.

The turning point? A change in her way of thinking! Affirmations are a form of self-suggestion � a kind of sound-byte you give to yourself. They work on a principle known to advertisers and spin doctors the world over � repetition. If you tell someone, including yourself, something often enough, sooner or later you will be believed. The more skilful the phrasing of the message and the more forcefully expressed, the better.

Affirmations are extremely effective in changing thinking patterns and programming the subconscious mind. With practice they become a powerful weapon in your confidence-building arsenal. I like myself. And � this is very important � put all personal weaknesses and limitations in the past tense. Now I am becoming more and more I am becoming more and more sociable every day.

I am doing my best, and I know I will continue to improve. Aloud is best, although silently, under your breath, works well too. You never forget a thought expressed with strong emotion. Tell it firmly to be quiet and go away. If possible look at yourself in the mirror as you recite them. Also, before you go to sleep run your favourite affirmations through in your mind, like a hypnotist. When one is no longer relevant, drop it and replace it with another. Suggestions, especially if made by someone in authority, can have enormous impact.

For example, every doctor knows that pills and potions with no active ingredients placebos can bring relief as long as the patient believes they can. I once had a client who was terrified of flying. He told me his fear had been alleviated for a while by pills prescribed by his doctor that made him sleepy during the flight, but over time the effects wore off. With this knowledge the symptoms returned worse than before. Use this power for yourself. Give yourself suggestions � lots of them.

Do it often, since repetition is the key to success. Constantly tell yourself that you value yourself, you are worthy of happiness, you can accomplish anything you want, and you are accepted and respected by others. Our imagination will stretch to any scenario, but people lacking in confidence usually imagine themselves as failures.

They do not realise that they cannot succeed at anything if they cannot imagine themselves doing so. How you imagine yourself may bear no relation to the truth, but it is this, rather than the reality, which governs your feelings and behaviour. Changing what you imagine about yourself can bring about a profound growth in confidence. When you imagine yourself as a good, capable, confident person, it becomes easier to think and behave like one.

To understand why it is so important we must consider the subconscious mind in more detail. This hidden mass is the subconscious, a vast storehouse of thoughts, memories and ideas. The subconscious is always listening, watching, soaking up your experiences like a sponge.

It then acts as a kind of database to which you constantly refer for guidance and support. Once your subconscious has accepted the idea that you are confident it makes sure your thinking, feelings and behaviour are brought into line; it makes confidence your reality. You can talk to your subconscious, but it responds even better to mental images and emotions. Use your wonderful imagination to build confidence, by feeling and imagining yourself as confident until it becomes a natural part of you.

This practice is called Creative Imagery. Either deliberately relax and calm your mind, or use those naturally occurring moments when you are relaxed.

The longer and more vividly you can hold on to thoughts, feelings and mental images of yourself as a confident person when your mind is calm, the better. Imagine the appearance, texture, taste and smell. Listen to a favourite piece of music, and imagine you can see the artist s performing it.

Imagine the voice of a loved one. Simple exercises such as these will bring about a rapid improvement in your creative imagery skills. Take what you used yesterday. Now try to visualise it with all five senses. Picture the scene if you can. Imagine the sound of the sea, the warmth of the sun on your face, the softness of the sand, the smell of seaweed, and the feeling that you are safe and secure. The point is to use those senses with which you are most comfortable.

A confident person. Sense what it would feel like to be loaded with confidence. Taking action. Feel yourself confidently pursuing your goal. Having achieved everything for which you set out. Many top sportsmen and women use creative imagery and mental rehearsal as an integral part of their mental toughness training. Pioneering the use of creative imagery in sport were professional golfers such as Jack Nicklaus and Arnold Palmer in the s.

Firstly, I see where I want the ball to finish. Then I see it going there, its trajectory and landing. The next scene shows me making the swing that will turn the previous images into reality. This section will help you get the most out of these techniques. Techniques for creative imagery are best used when the body is relaxed and the mind is calm see Section They are also effective whenever you feel naturally dreamy, such as first thing in the morning, last thing at night and when daydreaming, because the mind is in a natural state of heightened awareness at these times.

Fantasising is good for you � do it often. Fantasise about all the things you want out of life, places to visit, people you would like to meet, acquiring new skills and being the person you would like to be. Let your imagination run wild! Then I paint my dream. For example, what does being confident mean to you? What do confident people look like? How do they move and speak?

What do they do that makes them different from the rest? See everything in three dimensions using colour, brightness and movement, viewed as you would through your own senses not as an onlooker. Remember, it is always more important to feel the desire coming true than to get the precise details of the visualisation clear. Too much effort is self-defeating. Just allow the sounds, images and sensations to materialise.

This is the use of positive self-talk and affirmations when the subconscious is relaxed and receptive. Either memorise these words, or record them onto a cassette tape. Repeat them, or listen to the tape, every night just before you go to sleep, and when you wake up in the morning. Say the words quietly to yourself as you listen.

Imagine it as if it were already happening and working out perfectly. Short daily sessions are more effective than lengthy but infrequent ones. You may be dissolving emotional blockages that have been there for years. Vicky came to see me several years ago. She had applied to take a motorcycle test, and although she was a competent car driver and felt confident she could ride a motorcycle perfectly well, she was terrified of the actual test.

On previous occasions, she had gone to pieces on the day. I taught her to enter a deeply relaxed state and visualise herself taking the test with total confidence. Vicky found it easy to make mental pictures and had no problem imagining herself looking over the handlebars, feeling the vibration through the seat of her pants, hearing the sound of the engine, smelling the oil and exhaust fumes. She conjured up feelings of pride, happiness and excitement as he handed her the pass slip.

Finally she visualised herself arriving home to an ecstatic welcome from her husband, who took her out for a celebration meal.

Vicky practised every day. Two weeks later I went on holiday. On my return I found a postcard on the mat. Many thanks. The army knows that this way he will quickly feel like a soldier and become one. The opposite is also true. If you speak and act timidly, others assume you are timid and treat you as such, which reinforces your timidity. It simply states that when you act as if you are confident, no matter how uncomfortable you feel inside, you become confident.

Your feelings soon adapt to the new behaviour and, if you persevere, confidence blooms. Now do it. Behave that way. Make a list of well-known people, alive or deceased, who seem, or seemed, confident, but admitted to lacking confidence.

Add anyone you know, or knew, personally. How did they conceal their lack of confidence? What did they do to appear confident? Modelling is based on the common sense notion that you can avoid a great deal of struggle and inconvenience by finding someone who is already confident, and learning from them.

Start by making a list of people you know, have heard of, read about or seen in films and on TV, whom you admire and would like to emulate. They could be, for instance, the most popular people at work or school, historical figures, or even fictional characters. If you know them personally, quietly observe them; if not, read about them, hire films or videos and put yourself in their shoes. Imagine what it must be like to be these people.

Which of their qualities do you already possess? Which do you lack? If you have access to video recording equipment, record and observe yourself and learn from it. Gradually extend one hour to two, three If it feels uncomfortable and it probably will , remember that all change feels uncomfortable at first.

Many confident people, including possibly your role models, had to work at it. Go ahead and do it anyway. In time you will no longer be affected by them. The confidence gained will radiate from you and do wonders for you in other areas too. Confidence thrives on itself. Nothing succeeds like success! If you have lost confidence in yourself, make believe you are somebody else, somebody with brains, and act like him.

Do it anyway, and it soon fades. Then the very same mechanism that once tried to stop you changing defends your new behaviour and will continue to do so until you try to make further changes. One bite at a time. How do you climb a ladder? One rung at a time. How do you build confidence? One step at a time. When you take small steps, the anxiety you inevitably feel is more manageable. Do you find it hard to talk to people? Strike up a conversation with one new person every day! Do you keep quiet even when you have something to say?

Speak up, say your piece! You gain encouragement and feel more confident every time you build on each small success. Stay calm, change the self-talk using the Four Step Method , and persevere. Remember, courage is not the absence of fear, but ignoring fear and proceeding in spite of it. Take measured risks. Each small step should be accompanied by a clear intention, an affirmation or change of thinking and mental rehearsal. Add the elimination of these to the goals you set for yourself in Section 5.

Grade your goals according to 1 importance and 2 difficulty. Establish a challenging but realistic schedule for completing each step. Set deadlines. Write them in your diary and notebook.

Before taking each step, do your homework. Find out what you need to do, practise the skills and acquire the relevant knowledge. Ninety per cent of the outcome in any activity depends on the quality of the preparation undertaken.

Use an affirmation such as: I am confident, enthusiastic and fully capable of Ignore any anxiety or discomfort, and remind yourself that anything your mind can conceive and believe, you can achieve. Above all, keep your mind on what you want, never lose sight of your goal, and persevere.

Keep practising them while you proceed to the next few sections. Meanwhile, we move on to the essential area of self-awareness. Knowing yourself is a cornerstone of all personal growth. All I ask is that you undertake the exercises with truthfulness and sincerity. To grow in confidence Clarify your intention and set goals. Train yourself to think more confidently. Imagine yourself as confident.

Act as if you are confident. Plus Develop greater self-awareness. Your level of confidence is mainly the result of the way you responded to those who raised you and the environment in which you grew up. But it is not the whole story. Your past experiences and your interpretation of them � nurture � the remainder. Confidence, or lack of it, is learned, mostly in the first few years of childhood. It developed when you were weak and mentally and emotionally vulnerable, then, as you grew up, it became self-reinforcing.

So the better you understand what happened and how it affected you, the more effectively you can take charge of your present-day feelings and actions.

Be honest with yourself. You gain nothing by deliberately misleading or deceiving yourself. Knowing yourself is true wisdom. Mastering others is strength. Mastering yourself is true power.

No need to write a novel � just a few notes will do fine. In what way? Your biggest failures? How did they affect you then? How do they affect you now? Do you have any guilty secrets, anything you would not want anyone else to discover about your past? Quickly, without thinking about it too hard, write down the first six things that come to mind. Acknowledge all your past achievements, however trivial they seem.

Let your thoughts wander back to a time when you felt really confident everyone has at least one. Where were you, and with whom? What happened?

You already know! For example, some people are extremely confident at work but fail in their relationships; and many brilliant individuals can barely string two words together when away from the security of their offices or laboratories. How about you?

Take a close look at yourself. Step back and observe. The more self-aware you are, the more control you have over your life. Then, and only then, is lasting change possible. Include all self-criticisms and put downs spoken and unspoken , self-defeating and self-sabotaging behaviour, and so on. Write them down as soon as you can. What can you learn from it?

Sit or lie comfortably, take a deep breath and close your eyes. If possible vary these sessions by time of day � morning, midday, afternoon and evening to allow for the fact that moods and feelings fluctuate throughout the day. Immediately after each session write down whatever comes to mind. How capable do you feel of achieving anything you set your mind to? In which situations do you feel most competent?

Least competent? How capable do you feel of being successful in your leisure and sporting activities? Do you ever begrudge others their success? Do you tend to over dramatise or makes mountains out of molehills? How well do you manage your intimate relationships?

Your family life? How comfortable are you in social situations, e. Are you ever accused of being boastful or pretentious?

Do you usually prefer to stay in the background? Do you give way easily when someone disagrees with you? Do you find it difficult to say no when you want to? Do you take decisions based on your own instincts or allow others to push you around?

Are you living the way you choose, or doing mainly what others think you should? If you answered no to question 9, why do you think this is? Do you often feel sorry for yourself?

Do you tend to blame yourself when things go wrong, even if circumstances are beyond your control? Do you frequently criticise others? Do you frequently criticise yourself? Do you take good care of your health and fitness? Do you believe you have to achieve great things before you can feel good about yourself? Do you have a tendency to go to pieces when someone criticises you? Do you go out of your way to seek approval from others?

Are you comfortable with the notion of a spiritual dimension to life? Are you generally happy? If the answer is no, write down what you would have to do or become before you could be proud of who you are.

Most of these were run of the mill reprimands to which adults attach little importance; but they affect a child deeply and the accumulated effect can be devastating. The truth is, children simply do not have the ability to distinguish between fair and unfair criticism, or make allowances if the adults in their lives have had a hard day. When you pleased your parents, or other adult authority figures, they rewarded you: they gave you attention and approval.

When you displeased them, they showed their disapproval by withdrawing attention or privileges or, in some cases, punishing you physically. The means by which a person moulds the behaviour of another using a combination of reward and punishment is termed conditioning. You experienced plenty of it as a child, much of it negative. Very few young people reach adulthood without having their confidence dented in some way.

Once you understand your conditioning you can unravel the knots, dispense with the ropes that tied you down and leave them behind forever. After a time they judge them. Rarely, if ever, do they forgive them. Many highly successful people suffered difficulties as children. All claimed that, instead of destroying them, it strengthened their determination to succeed. What happened to you in childhood did not determine your level of confidence, but your attitude to it.

Think of a childhood incident which you always believed damaged your selfconfidence. How would taking a different attitude help? It builds character. What parental expressions do you recall from your childhood? How strong an impression did they make on you? How do you feel when you think about them now? When were they least proud? How has this affected you? When if they are still living are they most proud of you nowadays?